Valentine’s Day

 It’s Valentine’s Day today. A day of love, roses, champagne, jewellery, dinner, wine. Well usually. 

We won’t be opening a bottle of champagne or a bottle of wine.

Instead I bought my husband a stunning card. It was the only one of its kind in the newsagent. It’s been ages since I bought a card and when I took it to the register to pay I discovered it was $17.99.

I almost choked. But it’s beautiful and most importantly it’s not gushy. I am not a gushy individual and I cannot bring myself to buy heartfelt, emotional cards with sentiments someone else has written that in no way reflect the way I feel. This card simply says, I’m hooked on you.

My husband is my best friend. We’ve had some tremendously difficult ups and downs. We nearly separated six years ago. But he’s also my best friend. I miss him when we’re not together. He’s always the only one I want to tell about my day. He’s the one I want to go adventuring with. We have heated discussions and companionable silences. We’ve been together now 17 years. That’s heaps of history too. It’s lovely to be able to say, remember when. 

So, he’s worth $17.99. Besides I’ve saved $60 on a bottle of champagne and $40 on a bottle of wine.

The rise of brunch

 I have friends who we only ever catch up with at drinking establishments and with whom we drink a lot of wine. There’s one couple who we really enjoy spending time with and we haven’t seen them since I stopped drinking. I had been trying to work out how we would do it. Anything I organised would be difficult and so I just didn’t organise anything. But then I got a phone call from the husband. We haven’t seen you in ages, and we’d really like to catch up before the operation.

It was a new ABC comedy series based in the Adelaide Hills which solved my problem for me. They used Uraidla as a location and it occurred to me we hadn’t been to Uraidla in over a year. It’s a beautiful little township which over the last few weeks has been ‘reimagined’ and is now one of the coolest places in the Hills to hang out. A renovated pub, new cafes and a little local produce and handcrafts market has made it a destination just right for a weekend brunch.

At brunch you drink coffee and orange juice, not alcohol. This was the perfect solution and as such as headed to Uraidla yesterday morning and had a long lazy brunch with a poke around the recycled timber and salvage store. I haven’t enjoyed myself so much in ages. It was the perfect catch up. 

So now I have my solution, I don’t need to meet friends at pubs anymore, or even for dinner. Brunch is my go to catch up with friends event. I’ve already booked in my next one...

Kicking the scales

 Last Saturday when I weighed myself I was the lightest I’d been since quitting the alcohol. Three days later, after having exercised every day, eaten well and drunk plenty of water I was two kilos heavier. I was utterly despondent.

Complaining to a gym bunny colleague of mine, she told me not to be so hard on myself. Asked me how I was feeling and if my clothes were fitting better. 

Well they are. I have reduced in size, toned up, my clothes fit well and I’m actually enjoying picking out and wearing an outfit. I’m bringing clothes out of my closet I haven’t worn in ages and I’ve treated myself to a couple of fancy new skirts and a dress. She told me to kick the scales. She knows someone who lost two dress sizes and not one kilo because she built muscle, toned up and lost inches. 

I now look at my wardrobe longingly. I have a extensive collection of clothes, shoes and handbags and now there aren’t enough days in the week to mix and match my outfits. I have been taking more pride in my appearance and I’ve had some compliments about well I’m looking.

In a private conversation with a colleague who’s also a good friend I told her that not drinking is addictive. I’ve not felt this good in as a long as I can remember. My body, my skin, my hair, my posture is all thanking me for it. 

How can I go back? I don’t need to. I don’t want to. I feel like I’ve cracked a massive secret. That by removing things that don’t benefit you physically or mentally you’ll feel amazing seems such an obvious concept. 

So from mow on I’m going by how I feel and how my clothes fit and kicking the scales to the kerb. 

Popcorn

 I went back to Pilates last week when I returned to work. Karen, my teacher, works me hard. So much so I can feel my glute muscles all the way through the week to my next class.

She observed that I was still glowing from my time away. I told her I’d quit drinking and that was more likely the source of the glow. She was amazed I hadn’t mentioned it. 

When I reflected on this conversation later two things became startlingly clear. I am no longer embarrassed, trying to hide or uncomfortable with telling people I’m not drinking. But perhaps more importantly, it feels normal.

Karen asked if I’d found it difficult and I sad yes I had, particularly in the first month and in the lead up to Christmas. But the words that came naturally afterwards made me realise how far I’d come. I said to Karen, I don’t even think about it anymore. And that’s true. On the weekends when I slow down a bit and have time to think, I don’t even think about having a glass of wine. The connection between Friday and Saturday nights, watching movies and drinking wine has been broken. It’s not a habit anymore. 

That’s a milestone if ever I saw one. However my popcorn consumption has increased exponentially...

Net neutral

Living in a wine region with loads of fabulous wineries on your doorstep for 15 years means we have a lot of winery memberships. Every month boxes of wine appear at the post office or on the doorstep. So now we have a quandary, what to do, do we cancel the subscriptions, do we continue with one or two so we have wine in the cupboard when we have guests over, go to dinner parties or need to give gifts?

We’ve decided to cancel all but one membership of a favourite winery so we’re left with a half dozen bottles being delivered every month. 

Once we’d done this we didn’t give it much thought until we were on holidays and the friends we were away with asked us how much money we thought we’ve saved by not drinking and we worked out that in three months we’d saved $1000. As we’d not thought about this at all it was something of a pleasant surprise to realise this. 

However given that on our trip we’d bought and managed to lose a brand new set of solar panels, a recently purchased electric drill and seemed to require new fishing equipment at every place we camped I think we came out of the last month net neutral. 

Velvet skin

One of the most surprising things about not drinking is my skin. While I’ve been away camping my skin has completely transformed itself. Every morning I would brush the sleep from my eyes and one morning I noticed that it felt like velvet. I’m a 44 year old woman so this was intriguing. At first I wondered if it was because when I’m away camping I don’t wear any make up. But it’s not that. My whole body feels soft and smooth. 

I’ve done some googling and I can only put it down to not drinking any alcohol. My skin has hydrated and is positively glowing. Every time I shower I can’t help wondering at this. My skin, in my memory, has never felt or looked this good. 

I read one article that asked how much would you pay for something that made you look younger, reduced puffiness, make your skin bright and clear and cleared dark circles. Such a thing would be priceless surely? But it’s so simple, just don’t drink any alcohol. 

Having never gone without drinking for so long before I am amazed by how good my skin is. The feel of it rivals my pre teenage son who has gloriously soft skin. I’m just utterly enamoured with having velvet skin. I think this has to be my absolute favourite outcome so far.

In my googling I came across this article on Bored Panda and it really is incredible to see the change in people’s faces and bodies when they quit drinking. It’s worth a read. https://www.boredpanda.com/before-after-quit-drinking/

Celebrity Sober

When I was growing up celebrities tended to be well known for their addictions. It seemed that celebrity went hand in hand with alcohol, drugs and partying. Kurt Cobain, Kate Moss, River Phoenix, Brittany Murphy, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Ozzy Osbourne, Elton John, George Michael, Rob Lowe - the list goes on and on. 

I find it fascinating that many celebrities now are celebrating their healthy sober lifestyles. Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Sia, Lana Del Rey have all battled with addiction and are now talking openly about recovery and life without alcohol or drugs.

However there also seems to be a growing trend of sobriety amongst celebrities whose looks and work ethic are part of their brand. Jennifer Lopez, Bradley Cooper, Blake Lively all don’t drink. 

I think we’re seeing a movement towards a different kind of role model for future generations. Studies are showing that Generation Z are drinking less. 20% less per capita than Millenials drank at their age. I also find it interesting that social media may play a part in this insta/Snapchat generation. Who wants images and video of their drunk messy selves being shared all over their networks.

Here’s a list of 60 celebrities who don’t drink for various reasons. It’s rather fascinating. 

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/celebrity/latest/g11644970/celebrities-who-dont-drink-alcohol/

I think even this guy is sober now and that’s saying something. 

That’s a wrap

Heading into Christmas is a tricky time to be sober, especially when it’s your first one. I had two Christmas lunches this week to navigate and I had been feeling quite nervous about dealing with them. 

The Board of the organisation I work for don’t know me well and I like to keep it that way. It wasn’t a group with which I’m prepared to share something so personal. 

At the Board and Executive lunch I asked the waiter to pour me a half glass of red wine and didn’t touch it, even for the toast. It meant I could avoid anyone asking me why I wasn’t drinking.

Interestingly I noticed the retired surgeon next to me wasn’t drinking and a few others only had one or two glasses. But no one noticed I wasn’t and if they did no one said anything. That solved that lunch easily.

But I still had one to get through and this was going to be more difficult.

The next day was the Executive lunch. We’re a tighter knit bunch and know each other well. I decided to get it out of the way early by explaining I wasn’t drinking and why. I sort of had to. The difference with this lunch was the company will pay for the meal but not the alcohol, so whoever was drinking was going to split the alcohol bill. So right up front the question was asked, who’s drinking?

And surprisingly four of us weren’t. One who never does, one who doesn’t drink wine and only drinks spirits and therefore doesn’t drink at lunchtime, one who is managing an iron deficiency and me. 

No one gave me a grilling and no one was disrespectful about my decision.

It was such a relief. I’d been worrying about nothing.

And that’s a wrap for the year, no more work functions to worry about - from here it’s five weeks of camping across three states with my family and no pressure, none at all. 

Survival

Well, I’m surviving through the Christmas season without any booze. I did a sneaky at the Board lunch today. In the end I decided to let the waiter pour me half a glass of wine so I didn’t feel the need to explain why I wasn’t drinking at this fancy restaurant when I’d ordered, what turned out to be, a beautiful piece of eye fillet.

I wasn’t even tempted to drink the wine. But now I sit here writing this post I do feel like it was such a waste not to have a stunning local red wine with my fabulous piece of meat.

But. I went for a short run after work and I don’t think I would have been able to do that if I’d had wine at lunchtime because I wouldn’t just have had one. If I’d had one, I’d want another delicious glass of glorious red wine. And maybe another.

I’m also very tired. I think it’s long work days which are making me feel so fatigued. Because I’m working hard in the lead up to going on holidays I can’t isolate whether it’s long work days or something else. 

In her book, the Sober Diaries, Clare Pooley talks about hitting the wall after day 40.

I read Clare’s book after I came across it on this webpage. There is a whole category of books called ‘Quit Lit’!

https://www.goodto.com/wellbeing/how-to-stop-drinking-alcohol-521760

Gosh what a book. Fantastic insight into someone else’s life as they gave up alcohol completely. For the ‘sober curious’ it’s a must read. As is her blog 

http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/

The wall is not about exhaustion, it’s about boredom and feeling bleugh. I’m not sure I feel like that exactly but I’m definitely tired. Bring on holidays!

Me, Me, Me

Last weekend my husband and I ventured out for a Sunday afternoon at a pub to farewell some friends (former colleagues) who are leaving the city to move to a regional beachside location. 

I had arranged to pick up another friend on the way who has been one of my drinking buddies for years. We've been to the races together, partied together, and in later years spent afternoons getting happily sozzled at wineries.

When I offered to pick her up on the way she sent me an SMS saying thank you and that she'd buy our drinks. I remarked to my husband that we'll be cheap dates!

When we arrived at the pub we came clean about not drinking and explained about the surgery. She was surprised but it was no big deal. I drank cloudy apple juice and my husband had Heineken 0.0.

The most intriguing observation of the entire afternoon was that we re-connected with people who I've worked with years ago and had not seen for a long time and not one of them asked me a question about what I was up to these days.

People were entirely self-absorbed.

I left the pub after three hours and in the car on the way home I shared my observation that the only way anyone would have any clue about my life is if they've asked me a question, which they didn't.

I, on the other hand, knew who was divorced, what plans people had made for Christmas, where they worked now and a host of other information. 

So, does alcohol breed preoccupation with one's own life at the expense of curiosity about others?

I intend to find out.

The little house of calm

It’s the first day of the school holidays today. It’s two weeks before Christmas. Usually at this time of year I’d be feeling exhausted, stressed and anxious about whether I can everything done in time before I go on leave. But today, I’m not feeling any of those things. 

We went out for dinner last night for the first time since we stopped drinking. It was really strange not ordering a bottle of wine with a meal. The upside? The bill came in at under $100. That’s unusual...

I had planned nothing for today. No appointments to get to, no social plans, the kids don’t have to be anywhere by a certain time. In fact it’s 11am and they’ve not emerged from their rooms.

I slept like a log and woke up at 8.45am. Had a cup of tea in bed and thought about my day. I have all the time in the world today and I feel, for the first time, completely and utterly calm. 

Present with the presents

Every year in the lead up to Christmas there comes a moment when I need to get all the kids presents and stocking fillers out of their various hiding places and make sure I’ve got a relatively even number of gifts. I’ve been picking things up and shoving them away for a while now and I’ve lost track of what I’ve bought.

So I get everything out and assess the equity of the parenting at Christmas. Then I decide what is from us and what is purportedly from Santa Claus. 

One year when my youngest was 7 or 8 I was in a rush and I used the same wrapping paper for all the gifts regardless of whether it was us or from Santa revealing in an instant to a smart kid that there was no in fact no such thing as Santa. Santa had been revealed as being non existent much earlier than I had hoped. 

I probably would have been in a rush because instead of savouring the moment, wrapping the gifts with care I’m pretty sure I would have been trying to do it quickly because I wanted to crash on the sofa with a glass of wine and a TV show. It would have been a big week at work, trying to get everything done before I went on leave and I would have seen it as a chore I had to do instead of something magical and fun I wanted to do. 

Today is the Equity in Gift Giving day.  Both kids are out and I have the entire afternoon to lay everything else and assess what I’ve been collecting. 

This year I have bought beautiful paper with native Australian flora on it and lots of wrapping accessories such as bows, ribbons and tags. I’m going to play Christmas Carols at full volume and think about how excited the kids will be opening their presents on Christmas Day. I’m going to treat this time as a special moment. One day the kids will be living overseas or have in laws whose turn it is to see them at Christmas and we will be without them. 

So this Christmas I’m going to be completely present with the presents. 

The First Firsts

COVID has been the perfect cloak to avoid many social occasions while we’ve been learning how to live without drinking. A couple of work dinners were cancelled when the ‘pause’ was announced. Boards and committees I’m involved with have not organised anything at all, just in case they had to be cancelled. I admit I had a sense of relief about this. It was just easier not to attend these sorts of functions. 

But this week I have faced up to dealing with a bunch of firsts. First time we put up the Christmas tree without a glass of champagne. First team Christmas Secret Santa drinks and nibbles where I didn’t order a glass of wine and first team Christmas lunch where I had a mocktail instead. 

Apart from the utter surprise of a colleague who has worked with me for a decade and asked ‘how’s that going?’ It was absolutely fine. 

No one really noticed and certainly no one cared. I didn’t get a grilling and I didn’t feel uncomfortable. 

I have two lunches next week. Our Executive and Board Christmas Lunches and I am feeling slightly apprehensive. I will be the only one not drinking and it will be noticed. I haven’t decided how I’m going to handle it yet but I think I’m just going to be honest and tell people my husband is having a big operation next year and we’re not drinking for six months so he can go into the operation as healthy as possible. I work in government where respect is a key value, no one’s going to question me. So that’s my plan. I’ll let you know how I go...

Raw feelings

All the content I’ve read about giving up drinking, better skin, clearer eyes, deeper sleep has all been happening and it’s wonderful. But it’s the raw feelings I’ve been experiencing that has been hard to cope with this week.

The week started off badly when my teenage daughter wagged school on Monday afternoon. I grounded her for the week on a week when we’d agreed she could be signed out for two days to go to the beach with her friends as school is winding down. She’s been miserable.

I’ve also had an extremely stressful week at work this week for three reasons; I have had to step in to deal with an employee who has borderline personality disorder, PTSD and an eating disorder. Three of my Senior Managers have been off sick and I’m in the final stages of negotiating a complex multi million contract which needs to be signed before I go on leave for Christmas.

I’ve been working long hours, late nights, early mornings and I’ve exercised every day. I’m tired, physically and mentally. 

I have a marketing background and when we run marketing campaigns we always have a control group. I am like this group, separated from anything that may affect the way I truly feel.

In normal circumstances two nights this week I would have come home and drunk a bottle of wine to deal with the stress of work. One night I went for a run instead and the other I went to Bikram. Both nights I came home feeling good and very relaxed and not feeling like a drink at all. 

It’s like exploring a whole new world. 

This week my body has kept it’s own score and it’s been raw. But as I’m not affected by the effects of alcohol tiredness I know my emotional state has been entirely real. Genuinely tired, not hungover tired. The experience of tired between these states is quite different. 

It’s been a tough week but I’m really proud of myself for handling it without caving in and having a glass of wine (or ten). 

Well Lubricated

Because I practice such an intense form of Yoga it’s very easy to identify issues with my body or mind. Bikram uses every bone, muscle, joint, ligament, tissue, and organ in the body during the 90 min session so you can always tell if something’s not right.  

Each session runs through the exact same poses so you can always tell what state your body and mind are in. How flexible or stiff you are. How deep you can go into a pose. How your mind quietens or doesn’t. How long it takes to find stillness and peace. 

One of the unexpected benefits of not drinking has been the feeling of being oiled when practicing. I’ve been able to bend noticeably deeper into some of the trickier postures.

Combined with a calmer mind that’s gives me more control over my thoughts after five years of attending these classes I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere.

Instead of being well lubricated by alcohol I’m being well lubricated by my own body. 

I have no idea what’s going on here so I search around on the web. Apart from the diuretic effects that are well known, alcohol decreases the body’s production of an anti diuretic hormone which helps the body reabsorb water. I do drink a lot of water so I think my body is rehydrating itself as it’s not fighting with anything in doing so. 

The result is I feel like my joints have had been sprayed with a can of WD40. It’s a satisfying feeling. 

The heart matters

So, as you know, my husband has to have open heart surgery next year. He had another consultation with the specialist today and brought home a pile of leaflets. I felt nauseous reading them.

Ever the optimist I consider the silver linings.

1) We have great life insurance. 

2) Our trauma insurance will pay out.

Are you wondering if I’m too focused on the financial benefit of my husband’s major surgery? 

Indeed I was, until surgery became the catalyst for giving up the booze. Now I’m focussed on our health and the positive lifestyle changes which are coming with it. 

We have never embarked on a long dry period together before. We seem to be closer because of it.

It’s made me ponder that the heart, both literally and figuratively, matters. 

Namaste

Secret Sober Yogi xx

Namaste

Every Monday night I spend 90 minutes in skimpy clothing contorting my body into 26 yoga poses while sweating profusely in front of a floor to ceiling mirror in a room heated to 40 degrees C. 

Each week I show up on the mat reluctantly because I know the class is going to be hell and each week I leave the practice feeling amazing. I sleep deeply and the next morning I feel on top of the world. 

Bikram Yoga is addictive. But it’s also incredibly confronting. The practice exposes every weakness, every vulnerability, every insecurity you have both mentally and physically. 

One pose, Camel Pose or Utrasana is supposed to open the heart. If you’re feeling at all emotional Camel Pose can literally make you cry. 

To get the best out of a Bikram class you should be well hydrated, well rested and have had nothing to eat in the two hours before class. During those 90 minutes you will get to know your body and mind deeply and intensely. 

Bikram and alcohol do not mix. Alcohol is a diuretic. It causes your body to remove fluids from your blood. I have endeavoured to do many a class on a day after drinking. 

After nearly six weeks alcohol free the difference in my practice is unbelievable. My balance has never been so good. I can much more easily bat away thoughts that would normally distract me until at least a third of the way through the class when my mind finally quietens, my body feels like it’s been lubricated with oil and my poses are deeper. 

If you’ve never practiced Bikram Yoga and have no idea what I’m talking about check out this video of the world champion Kasper Van Den Wijngaard - it’s quite something what the body can do when it’s at its peak physique. 

Namaste

https://youtu.be/PLBOsOt3qtc

EQ

Virtual drinks went well. When one of the team asked what everyone was drinking I just waited until others started to answer and by the time it got to me the conversation had moved on to other topics.

One team member was making her way pretty quickly through a bottle of rose. 

I know her pretty well and it was fascinating to watch her mannerisms change and her EQ diminish.

We were discussing what everyone had asked for this Christmas.  I’ve asked for an acupressure mat and how excited I was about getting it and using it, particularly after my yoga classes.

This particular colleague told us her husband had one so I asked her how he finds it. The long and rambling answer was it was all hype which burst my bubble somewhat I can tell you.

Another colleague came to the rescue and said that she loves hype. 

I’ve never noticed this before. Is EQ the first thing to go when you’re drinking? 

Namaste

Secret Sober Yogi xx

Virtual Drinks

I'm a non beer drinker but my husband likes craft beers. On the second weekend of no drinking I stopped in at the bottle shop to see what non alcoholic options there were. No non alcoholic craft beers unfortunately (there's a gap in the market for some enterprising individual). I brought home a six pack of Heineken 0.0. My husband told me Heineken is not beer. 

Semantics I said.

I tried one and to me it tasted exactly like beer. Or lager. Whatever. I don't know the difference.

It worked a treat at a party we went to around Day 14. No one even clocked we weren't drinking. 

We're in a 6 day lockdown (or 'pause' as we're calling it) so my pre-booked team drinks scheduled for this afternoon are now virtual. 

I'd been wondering how I was going to deal with it. These people know me well.

They would have wondered why I'm not drinking. I'm not ready to share this yet. Because I don't know if this is temporary, whether I want it to be permanent or whether I can manage it.

The great thing about virtual drinks is that I can pop a Heineken 0.0 in a stubby holder and voila, no one has any idea I'm not drinking alcohol.

Genius.

Namaste

Secret Sober Yogi xx

Because COVID

During our first lockdown the bottle shops were doing a roaring trade. Massive queues at the drive through bottle-o’s.

We drank a lot. Most nights. Our immediate family live in three different countries. I was stressed about my parents and parents in law who live overseas. I wondered if I should reach out to the brother I haven’t spoken to in three years. My daughter was not coping at school and was utterly miserable. Work was crazy busy, long days. 

When COVID eased up and went back to the office I discovered a colleague had used the COVID period to lose weight. 23 kilos in fact.

She looked amazing and unrecognizable. So while we were chugging back the booze and increasing our Naked Wines subscription she’d been using the non commute time to exercise.  No social occasions and work functions meant it was much easier for her to give up alcohol.

Why didn’t I think about doing that? 

We’ve just gone into a new lockdown here. This time I won’t be wasting it. 

Namaste

Secret Sober Yogi xx