That’s a wrap

Heading into Christmas is a tricky time to be sober, especially when it’s your first one. I had two Christmas lunches this week to navigate and I had been feeling quite nervous about dealing with them. 

The Board of the organisation I work for don’t know me well and I like to keep it that way. It wasn’t a group with which I’m prepared to share something so personal. 

At the Board and Executive lunch I asked the waiter to pour me a half glass of red wine and didn’t touch it, even for the toast. It meant I could avoid anyone asking me why I wasn’t drinking.

Interestingly I noticed the retired surgeon next to me wasn’t drinking and a few others only had one or two glasses. But no one noticed I wasn’t and if they did no one said anything. That solved that lunch easily.

But I still had one to get through and this was going to be more difficult.

The next day was the Executive lunch. We’re a tighter knit bunch and know each other well. I decided to get it out of the way early by explaining I wasn’t drinking and why. I sort of had to. The difference with this lunch was the company will pay for the meal but not the alcohol, so whoever was drinking was going to split the alcohol bill. So right up front the question was asked, who’s drinking?

And surprisingly four of us weren’t. One who never does, one who doesn’t drink wine and only drinks spirits and therefore doesn’t drink at lunchtime, one who is managing an iron deficiency and me. 

No one gave me a grilling and no one was disrespectful about my decision.

It was such a relief. I’d been worrying about nothing.

And that’s a wrap for the year, no more work functions to worry about - from here it’s five weeks of camping across three states with my family and no pressure, none at all. 

Survival

Well, I’m surviving through the Christmas season without any booze. I did a sneaky at the Board lunch today. In the end I decided to let the waiter pour me half a glass of wine so I didn’t feel the need to explain why I wasn’t drinking at this fancy restaurant when I’d ordered, what turned out to be, a beautiful piece of eye fillet.

I wasn’t even tempted to drink the wine. But now I sit here writing this post I do feel like it was such a waste not to have a stunning local red wine with my fabulous piece of meat.

But. I went for a short run after work and I don’t think I would have been able to do that if I’d had wine at lunchtime because I wouldn’t just have had one. If I’d had one, I’d want another delicious glass of glorious red wine. And maybe another.

I’m also very tired. I think it’s long work days which are making me feel so fatigued. Because I’m working hard in the lead up to going on holidays I can’t isolate whether it’s long work days or something else. 

In her book, the Sober Diaries, Clare Pooley talks about hitting the wall after day 40.

I read Clare’s book after I came across it on this webpage. There is a whole category of books called ‘Quit Lit’!

https://www.goodto.com/wellbeing/how-to-stop-drinking-alcohol-521760

Gosh what a book. Fantastic insight into someone else’s life as they gave up alcohol completely. For the ‘sober curious’ it’s a must read. As is her blog 

http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/

The wall is not about exhaustion, it’s about boredom and feeling bleugh. I’m not sure I feel like that exactly but I’m definitely tired. Bring on holidays!

Me, Me, Me

Last weekend my husband and I ventured out for a Sunday afternoon at a pub to farewell some friends (former colleagues) who are leaving the city to move to a regional beachside location. 

I had arranged to pick up another friend on the way who has been one of my drinking buddies for years. We've been to the races together, partied together, and in later years spent afternoons getting happily sozzled at wineries.

When I offered to pick her up on the way she sent me an SMS saying thank you and that she'd buy our drinks. I remarked to my husband that we'll be cheap dates!

When we arrived at the pub we came clean about not drinking and explained about the surgery. She was surprised but it was no big deal. I drank cloudy apple juice and my husband had Heineken 0.0.

The most intriguing observation of the entire afternoon was that we re-connected with people who I've worked with years ago and had not seen for a long time and not one of them asked me a question about what I was up to these days.

People were entirely self-absorbed.

I left the pub after three hours and in the car on the way home I shared my observation that the only way anyone would have any clue about my life is if they've asked me a question, which they didn't.

I, on the other hand, knew who was divorced, what plans people had made for Christmas, where they worked now and a host of other information. 

So, does alcohol breed preoccupation with one's own life at the expense of curiosity about others?

I intend to find out.

The little house of calm

It’s the first day of the school holidays today. It’s two weeks before Christmas. Usually at this time of year I’d be feeling exhausted, stressed and anxious about whether I can everything done in time before I go on leave. But today, I’m not feeling any of those things. 

We went out for dinner last night for the first time since we stopped drinking. It was really strange not ordering a bottle of wine with a meal. The upside? The bill came in at under $100. That’s unusual...

I had planned nothing for today. No appointments to get to, no social plans, the kids don’t have to be anywhere by a certain time. In fact it’s 11am and they’ve not emerged from their rooms.

I slept like a log and woke up at 8.45am. Had a cup of tea in bed and thought about my day. I have all the time in the world today and I feel, for the first time, completely and utterly calm. 

Present with the presents

Every year in the lead up to Christmas there comes a moment when I need to get all the kids presents and stocking fillers out of their various hiding places and make sure I’ve got a relatively even number of gifts. I’ve been picking things up and shoving them away for a while now and I’ve lost track of what I’ve bought.

So I get everything out and assess the equity of the parenting at Christmas. Then I decide what is from us and what is purportedly from Santa Claus. 

One year when my youngest was 7 or 8 I was in a rush and I used the same wrapping paper for all the gifts regardless of whether it was us or from Santa revealing in an instant to a smart kid that there was no in fact no such thing as Santa. Santa had been revealed as being non existent much earlier than I had hoped. 

I probably would have been in a rush because instead of savouring the moment, wrapping the gifts with care I’m pretty sure I would have been trying to do it quickly because I wanted to crash on the sofa with a glass of wine and a TV show. It would have been a big week at work, trying to get everything done before I went on leave and I would have seen it as a chore I had to do instead of something magical and fun I wanted to do. 

Today is the Equity in Gift Giving day.  Both kids are out and I have the entire afternoon to lay everything else and assess what I’ve been collecting. 

This year I have bought beautiful paper with native Australian flora on it and lots of wrapping accessories such as bows, ribbons and tags. I’m going to play Christmas Carols at full volume and think about how excited the kids will be opening their presents on Christmas Day. I’m going to treat this time as a special moment. One day the kids will be living overseas or have in laws whose turn it is to see them at Christmas and we will be without them. 

So this Christmas I’m going to be completely present with the presents. 

The First Firsts

COVID has been the perfect cloak to avoid many social occasions while we’ve been learning how to live without drinking. A couple of work dinners were cancelled when the ‘pause’ was announced. Boards and committees I’m involved with have not organised anything at all, just in case they had to be cancelled. I admit I had a sense of relief about this. It was just easier not to attend these sorts of functions. 

But this week I have faced up to dealing with a bunch of firsts. First time we put up the Christmas tree without a glass of champagne. First team Christmas Secret Santa drinks and nibbles where I didn’t order a glass of wine and first team Christmas lunch where I had a mocktail instead. 

Apart from the utter surprise of a colleague who has worked with me for a decade and asked ‘how’s that going?’ It was absolutely fine. 

No one really noticed and certainly no one cared. I didn’t get a grilling and I didn’t feel uncomfortable. 

I have two lunches next week. Our Executive and Board Christmas Lunches and I am feeling slightly apprehensive. I will be the only one not drinking and it will be noticed. I haven’t decided how I’m going to handle it yet but I think I’m just going to be honest and tell people my husband is having a big operation next year and we’re not drinking for six months so he can go into the operation as healthy as possible. I work in government where respect is a key value, no one’s going to question me. So that’s my plan. I’ll let you know how I go...

Raw feelings

All the content I’ve read about giving up drinking, better skin, clearer eyes, deeper sleep has all been happening and it’s wonderful. But it’s the raw feelings I’ve been experiencing that has been hard to cope with this week.

The week started off badly when my teenage daughter wagged school on Monday afternoon. I grounded her for the week on a week when we’d agreed she could be signed out for two days to go to the beach with her friends as school is winding down. She’s been miserable.

I’ve also had an extremely stressful week at work this week for three reasons; I have had to step in to deal with an employee who has borderline personality disorder, PTSD and an eating disorder. Three of my Senior Managers have been off sick and I’m in the final stages of negotiating a complex multi million contract which needs to be signed before I go on leave for Christmas.

I’ve been working long hours, late nights, early mornings and I’ve exercised every day. I’m tired, physically and mentally. 

I have a marketing background and when we run marketing campaigns we always have a control group. I am like this group, separated from anything that may affect the way I truly feel.

In normal circumstances two nights this week I would have come home and drunk a bottle of wine to deal with the stress of work. One night I went for a run instead and the other I went to Bikram. Both nights I came home feeling good and very relaxed and not feeling like a drink at all. 

It’s like exploring a whole new world. 

This week my body has kept it’s own score and it’s been raw. But as I’m not affected by the effects of alcohol tiredness I know my emotional state has been entirely real. Genuinely tired, not hungover tired. The experience of tired between these states is quite different. 

It’s been a tough week but I’m really proud of myself for handling it without caving in and having a glass of wine (or ten).